An Unwelcome Companion

Every now and then, she returns; like a long lost companion. I was happy to see her go, but there is a comfortable familiarity in her presence. I know this feeling like the deepest part of my heart. It’s easy to sink deep into her embrace and hide in the knowing; easy to erect a canopy, spin a cocoon, retreat to the dark place where I have an excuse not to feel. When I feel the pit in my stomach open up, and I don’t want to face the world, it’s hard not to let myself be swallowed.

My old acquaintance, Anxiety is knocking at the door again. Her soul-mate, Depression, is not far behind. She calls in to my heart, and says it’s all just too much to handle- “the kids, your job, the housework, your marriage, the maze called social life. You really don’t know what your doing, anyway, and you’re bound to mess it all up. At any moment, your entire life could come crashing down like a house of cards. Let me in, and I’ll protect you.”

Today, someone searched Google for the term “stay at home mom overwhelmed.” I laughed when I saw it, because today, I’ve been overwhelmed. I’ve felt like I needed to write this for myself, but now I think I need to write it for someone else, too.

I had my first bout with anxiety after my first child was born premature , and I couldn’t breastfeed. Having a baby rocked my world, not only because of the post-traumatic stress of having preeclampsia, an emergency C-Section and a premature baby. I had always been able to control my life pretty well. I could decide what to do and do it, which served me very well in college and my career. As all mom’s know, you cannot control a newborn baby. It was just her and me and the unpredictability, all day long. She couldn’t breastfeed, as I had convinced myself that she absolutely must. She did not conform to the schedule, which my book told me she should. It was winter, RSV season, and the doctor said we had to keep her home, inside, with very few visitors for at least 6 weeks. So the panic attacks started coming, and all I wanted to do was to escape life, to sleep, to do nothing.

To make things worse, I had adopted a lot of spiritual pressure, as well. If I was struggling, it was because I wasn’t letting God heal me. I should trust God enough to let go of the anxiety. I should pray more, study the Word, and I should be in a state of joyful surrender and peace. Then, when I struggled at my former church and sought counseling, one of the elders said I was “spiritually unstable.”

With the help of my wonderful husband, friends and mentors, and medication, I got better. Looking back, however, I realized I had always struggled with anxiety to a certain degree. It took this trauma to bring it out to such an extreme, but I was thankful for it, because it explained so much that I had been through in the past. Does that make sense?

A few years ago, after my third birth, I had a relapse. I had to adjust some medication, which made it worse for a while. I would cry every morning as my husband went off to work, and I was sure I wouldn’t get through the day. It took a lot for me to reach out. When I did reach out to an older woman who had been helping me out tremendously with the housework and the other kids, I was extremely hurt. She basically said that I needed to get over it. That I was not dealing with anything more than other women had to go through. Furthermore, since we were currently leading a small group at church, she voiced concern that my private feelings were not living up to what I was portraying in public. She basically called me a hypocrite.

I don’t think I’ll ever get over that one. I really don’t think she has any idea how much that conversation cut to my very soul, and it is so hard for me to trust people anyway. I forgive her, though, because that was the way her generation dealt with these things. They covered them up, and just endured the pain.

Once again, God was faithful to pick me up, provide the right medication, the right emotional healing, and I was better again. But it was a little confusing. He had healed me the first time, right? Why was He allowing me to go through it again? The same despair, fear, and wounding from others who didn’t understand? Although, this time it is not nearly as bad, I still feel it. And I’m asking the same question again. Why?

And the answer is, “My dear, sweet daughter, I must let you fall so that I can lift you up.”

My grace is sufficient for you. For my power is made perfect in weakness (2Cor 12:9)

And although I hear my old companion knocking at the door of my heart and mind, I will not let her in! I will trust in my Father to hold me while I feel these emotions and let them go. My God is faithful.

Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you. (Psalm 9:10)

I consider my life-verse to be Psalm 40:1-3.

I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

I’ve always thought of this verse as describing my moment of salvation, because without Jesus, I was truly in a slimy pit. But now I realize this verse is for me every day! He does not lift us out of the pit once, but continually, day by day. Even through the hard times, He is right here, lifting me up. And I will wait patiently, for He has heard my cry.


If you are feeling any depression or anxiety right now, realize that you are not alone. There are many others who have been through this, and can help you. You are not crazy, or “spiritually unstable,” and sometimes you can’t “just get over it.” I encourage you to seek out professional help, as well as close friends who can hold you up. Most importantly, cry out to the Lord! He will hear you, and He will lift you out of the pit! He will keep lifting you up, any time you need Him.

To my dear friends, and readers of this blog: Thank you for giving me an outlet to process these emotions in my heart. Many times, including this one, God has revealed his truth to me through writing. I would not have the inspiration to sit and write if it weren’t for you! I pray you will feel the warmth of His love today and every day!

Wrapped Emotions button
Click the button to join in the most inspiring blog project, Wrapped Emotions


About Sarah Pinnix

I'm a mom, blogger, vlogger, libertarian. I love Jesus, and my husband, too. Social Media Strategist for a Non-Profit (All statements here are solely my own)


  1. Thanks for that, I know Anxiety very well. Although when I began to read the opening paragraph I though you were going to talk about Aunt Flo. It’s so easy to succumb to depression and guilt and anxiety as a SAHM. To feel trapped and isolated. I was going through a bad patch just over the last couple of days myself.


  2. You have helped me realize I am not alone and that other people feel the way I do! I understand anxiety all to well. I hope things get better for you! 🙂


  3. Childlife says:

    I’m so sorry you have had to go through this… particularly the part with the lady from your church!

    I had a similar experience with a physician that I had asked for help with my depression when dealing with infertility. She told me that I was ‘catastrophizing’ things (that’s not even a word!) and that I just needed to snap out of it. Right.

    I can imagine that it hurt much more coming from someone that you trusted as a friend.

    You are such a blessing and I am so glad that you had the courage to share such a personal story!


  4. Hey. Great post. I think a lot of times previous generations and Christians in general expect a level of perfection that is unreasonable in any person. It is ok to have the days when you are down and out. God is faithful to show himself in those times and teach us about ourselves in ways we could not learn if life was always easy. The first goal is to admit you don’t have to be perfect, the second is to admit when you are going through things. That is what the body of Christ is supposed to be about. Great post, Sarah.


  5. Being Made says:

    You know… I’m at the beginning of wrapping my head around the word ‘depression’ and I need so much for women that I admire–women that I can sense strength in–to let me know they’ve been there and done that.

    Thank you for being so transparent. You encouraged me.

    beingmade from


  6. Windows Wide Open says:

    From the comments already left after this post, you’re a help, a support to others. That’s a big deal.

    Hang in there, one step at a time.



  7. This post is so timely. I’ve been struggling lately as well. I never hit rock bottom as it seems you have, but I have struggled my whole life with periodic “funks” as I call them. Right now I’d love to sleep my life away, but there’s so much to do. So I keep pressing on. Thanks for being so vulnerable and open about your struggles. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.


  8. Amen! You have put voice to things I believe in SO strongly. Feel through it so it can be released, and have faith, have faith, have faith!


  9. Jen @ JenuineJen says:

    I think this time of year can cause a lot of people more anxiety than usual. I know I have been more anxious and have been trying hard not to let the anxiety turn into full-blown depression. As a mom, I want the Christmas season to be “perfect” for my children and set my expectations a bit too high.

    This year as my husband and I had to close his business and totally change professional direction, Psalms has really touched deep into my soul. It is the first time in my life that I could truly relate to a multitude of verses in Pslams rather than just a few.

    Thanks for sharing the verses that help you!


  10. I have been there and I know how tough it is… and then the whole balancing with our faith and feeling like we aren’t trusting God enough. It’s a rough road! I have been on Paxil twice in my life and it did help me get those chemicals re-balanced. Hang in there!


  11. I can relate to a lot of this, but what I’d really like to comment about today is that I find it admirable that you would write this post for the benefit of the person who searched out your site.

    I hope she finds the answers she’s looking for.


  12. I’ve experienced much of the same things. Have you read “The Bondage Breaker” by Neil T. Anderson? He’s a Chrisian counselor and this book helped me in so many ways and I came to a closer relationship with Jesus as a result of the godly advice Dr. Anderson gives.


  13. icunursepat says:

    You keep up the good work, girl, of linking this Real Life to your testimony. I can see it’s working very well toward those who need a little help.


  14. Thank you everyone for the kind words. I think it’s so important for us to share these things, and how we get through them. Thanks so much for receiving me!

    I feel different today. It was such a healing process to write this out last night, and to weep in His presence, to let Him begin to heal me.


  15. Thanks for posting those verses from Psalms. I believe that depression is one of those illnesses that the church is not always ready to deal with properly. It is not hypocritical, it is real and God wants us to come to him as real, as humans in need of a savior.


  16. Thank you for this post. I have dealt with these same things and it is important for all of us to know we are not alone. You should be very proud of yourself for opening up with such beautiful honesty. This is powerful.

    Kim @ TheBitterBlog


  17. The Surrendered Scribe says:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am going through much of what you mention and the word God gave you when you experienced this a second time just ministered to me in such a special way. Thank you for being so transparent in writing this.


  18. Fiona says:

    This post sounds so familiar. I too had pre eclampsia, a c-section and also a premmie baby girl. My daughter was born at 27weeks and suffered from RSV as well and we spent months staying away for the ‘outside world’.
    I now have found that alot of my friendships are made online.
    Thanks for being brave and sharing your thoughts.
    How is your daughter who was premmie? I have a website I have set up dedicated to premmie babies and I have just recently set up Cafe Prem I hope cafe prem will give Mum’s and families a place to share their feelings.

    Merry Christmas



  19. ~ Melody ~ says:

    {{{hugs}}} and prayers.


  20. If I were more eloquent than I am, this could have been written by me. Yes, yes, and yes. Been there, done that, felt that, and YES! That is exactly the way I’ve found my way back out…I haven’t. I just turn to Jesus.

    Love never fails. God is love. God is Jesus. Jesus never fails. (a little love logic, there in time for Valentines!)

    I can’t explain it better than you have. I can’t even explain it as well as you have. I’ve tried a lot over the last year.

    Just yes. And yes, something I’ve struggled with for years too. I’m actually still trying to work the courage up to go find help. That’s a big ol’ long post there…

    Did you climb in my head with me or something? I mean seriously…wow! Each new (to me) post of yours I read the similarities between what is in your head and what is in mine get stronger and stronger. =)



  1. […] won’t paint an impossible picture and tell you there haven’t been struggles along the way. I’ve had relapses of debilitating anxiety, adjusted medication, reached out for counseling, and prayed hard. I have close friends on whom I […]

Speak Your Mind