I’ve been at a crossroads in my life for the past year and a half. Transitioning from stay-at-home-mom to work-at-home-mom to working-out-of-the-home mom has been difficult on many levels.
The first challenge was becoming the logistics coordinator for five very busy people. At home, I could be flexible during the day in order to make sure everyone showed up in the right place at the right time. I am now beholden to others whom I can’t really repay, my husband and friends, to help transport and supervise my kids when I can’t get to them. My husband has always been an involved father, but those two hours after school when we’re both working are the most difficult. I think we almost have a handle on providing food for the family. I’ve been doing meal plans and prep work on Sundays and tag teaming with Judd.
I expected these changes, every working mom’s blog talks about how to navigate these areas.
I didn’t expect the loneliness I feel.
Oh, I’m having a great time professionally, working with a team of people – I really missed that camaraderie being self-employed at home. But with working full-time I’ve lost the time to invest in relationships outside of work. I deeply miss the friends I used to talk to every day, meet at the park, or eat lunch with at Chick-fil-A with the kids in the play area. I feel guilty that I don’t call them enough, spend enough time with them, even Facebook them – because when I get home I usually don’t want to look at a computer.
Yesterday, I broke down and cried. Hard. I discovered a gathering of people I consider friends to which I was not invited. Some of those people walked out of a room I was in to go to the gathering. I guess it didn’t cross their minds to ask if I wanted to go too. The hurt that overwhelmed me was a complete surprise as I tried to hold in the tears that eventually streamed down my face. I’m usually not so bothered by this type of thing.
Could I have joined them? Sure. Unless I’m oblivious, they don’t NOT want me around.
Was I mad? Did I think they were purposely leaving me out? No.
I just wanted them to WANT me there. You know?
Something deep inside of me longs for the people who are home: my people. And more than anything, I’m sad that I don’t have that in the place where I spend 8-10 hours per day. I’m still searching, and asking God who else might need their “people” at work. Maybe I’m their people?
I do have those people who totally “get” me. The ones who really want me there and notice when I’m not. See Jenn over there with the big cookie? (Haha! She’ll kill me for using this one) The problem is that they live in my computer; they’re my blogging friends. More accurately, they live in towns and cities scattered across the country. Lots of them were together at a conference last weekend. My dear friend Jendi said she kept casually looking for me because it just felt like I should be there. I looked at their photos with love and longing. Maybe that’s why I became so sad yesterday.
I have these questions for God:
Why did you make me like this? Why does close community mean so much to me? Why am I so sensitive? I’ve been trying to develop a thicker skin, especially since entering the business world. It’s not working.
What do you want me to do with these feelings? Is there someone like me I need to be noticing?
For now, I will try to focus on being a blessing to people where I can. I’ll be a friend of Jesus and call on Him every day.
Tell me, have you ever felt this way? How did you deal with it.