I’ve been writing about my experience with a “Kindred Spirit” friend. Read the first post here if you haven’t yet.
This post is going to sound sort of negative. Well, it pretty much IS negative. I don’t share this to sound like a victim or to complain, I was in the wrong, too. But to be honest about my Real Life. Every day, my skin gets thicker and thicker, but my real goal is to hopefully help myself and others deal with these things realistically. And kind of to vent… but it’s my blog, I can do that, right?
For me, it seems in many relationships, the trust factor has an expiration date. In this case, the expiration date was a few weeks ago. I was at a low-point when this friend called me. SO I spilled the beans. It had been pent up inside for a long time, as I tried to work it out, and I probably should have confronted the people I needed to. I hate confrontation unless I know I’m right, so I usually think a while, figure out if it’s something I just need to let go, get my perspective right. But, like I said… weak moment.
I was surprised by an intense note of judgment in her voice when I shared how I was feeling. I tried to state again and again that I didn’t want her to agree with me, that I knew I needed help, and I was asking for prayer to deal with it the way I should. But the sharpness continued, as if I hadn’t listened to the same type of outcry from her own heart many times. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I abruptly ended the conversation. And cried… really hard.
It was a blow to the safety that I felt in this friend, and my heart was hurting. But I figured maybe I caught her on a bad day, too. So when she called two days later, I apologized for getting upset. And then came the blow that really knocked me down.
She said that she had shared what I said with someone else (exactly the person I didn’t want to know), and promptly informed me that the other person didn’t think I should be sharing those feelings. I didn’t say anything right there, except to admit that I have not shared that with ANYONE else, and I thought I could be safe to ask for prayer from her. A shrug and a “hmmm” in response. The thing that really got me was that she had been hurt by this exact situation the year before. And man, I fiercely defended her!
And that’s when I knew, the statute of limitations on our trusting friendship had been reached. The stunning revelation that I no longer had a trusted friend in her. That maybe her sanctimony had outgrown her grace for someone who may be wrong, but was reaching out? Did she think she was doing the right thing, or knowingly stinging me for some reason? Did I get what I deserved for being rash and letting my guard off of my tongue? Does it matter?
Have you had a similar experience? What did you do? I don’t know whether to simply go on, accepting I cannot share my heart with her anymore, or to try to fix it. I don’t know if that’s possible, or if it’s worth the effort. Is this kind of trust an illusion altogether?
More tomorrow on how I would have handled it if I were in her position.